No matter how many reports you read about the rise in numbers of divorce cases in Saudi Arabia, it still remains a dirty word that Saudis are taught not to even contemplate. For my generation and those younger, there is a growing number who rebel. But for older couples it is still very true. No matter how much they hate each other, divorce is not an option. “Real” men and women never divorce. We are taught in schools that it is the most abhorred by God of all things Islamically permitted. Couples have separate bedrooms on different floors and lead chiefly separate lives and yet are still married. A man might take on a second wife and not see his first except twice a month to pay the bills and buy groceries. He does it because he thinks its manly and the woman stays on and is patient because that’s what a good woman does.
This like all other things is changing. After reading a report on this in Arab News, I thought I would write a bit about it. In Saudi Arabia there are two ways to obtain a divorce depending on who initiates it, the first is easy and can be done by the husband and the second is extremely hard and is reserved for the wife. The first can be done by the husband simply by deciding in his heart to divorce his wife and in effect this becomes valid immediately. Then in his own time he can go to the courts and obtain a document of his decision and send a copy to the ex-wife. Alimony and child custody is not a big deal either and definitely not mandated. Several women I personally know have never gotten any financial support from their ex-husbands. And in the case they are allowed child custody, its only because the father is not interested in caring for the kids. So in essence he is allowing the mother to have them. This and most other issues related to family law is only loosely based on Islam and what really goes on is the absolute vilification of the wife in court while the husband is always taken at his word. I know you might be thinking that I’m exaggerating but seriously I’m not.
When it comes to the wife initiating a divorce it is a whole different issue. It’s not even called divorce, it’s called khula which literally means taking off as in taking off clothes or jewelry. What the woman has to do is prove that the husband did something. Abuse whether physical or verbal does not get a woman far in court even with a medical report because the Saudi judges tend to believe that she probably did something to provoke it. The only proof that will absolve the woman and get her treated favorably is one of three; proof that the husband is a drug addict, has AIDS or being a daughter of a VIP. Otherwise the process is stressful, expensive and might lead to her never seeing her children again. In one case the judge and his assistants demanded from the wife that she detail her husband’s performance in bed. Another woman had to pay her dowry back in full after more than a decade of marriage and four children. Some of those years she financially supported her then husband and yet she still had to give back the money he spent on her as a young bride and give up child custody completely. To rub salt into injury, she was hushed in court while listening to the guy tell everyone there including her father and brothers how horny she was and that she wouldn’t be doing this unless she had someone else in mind to marry.
However after everything settles down, within society it is much better for a woman to obtain a khula rather than be divorced. Divorced women are usually viewed as having done something wrong but a woman who obtains a khula is a victim. It’s as if society understands that the difficulty of the process shows in some way that women do not go through with it except as a last resort after being tremendously wronged.
17 Comments
April 8, 2009 at 9:35 am
I used to look forward to your posts, they were a refreshing view on the Saudi Arabia I ‘ve come to know inside out after living here since I was 11 years old.
I think recently though you have shown that you have a certain type of ‘darkness’ in you towards the country/system/’traditional’ Saudis. I do agree with you on many things, but when public comment on negative aspects has no use in provoking change, it is just hanging out dirty laundry for the world to see.
I fail to see how the above can be productive to the Saudi society.
April 8, 2009 at 9:52 am
I agree to some extent but I need this outlet and what I write is true. Besides the outside world when left to their imagination sometimes percieve things that are far worse than our reality.
April 8, 2009 at 10:33 am
I had a conversation with my husband of 25 years regarding this-and he agrees with the facts as you have stated them-but he says, and I concur; is that the basic principle (or the ideas) of Marriage is what is the major fault:
-why marry in the first place if:
•You are already looking for the second wife
•your are pressured by society (family esp) to marry someone you have nothing in common
•The basis of your marriage is pure procreation
•Your hopes and dreams do not coincide- and you are vertible strangers to each other
•Your “married” life consists of material things and the social support is your own blood family-not each other
•no one admits that what marriage really means is the union of two people (to put in another religion’s word-for better or worse, in sickness and in health)
•That marriage is seen as a business contract where one partner will never be equal
•and like most businesses you are in it for the material gains
•where the marriage is not the growth of a union-because no one allows for the two who marry to learn to love, repect and consider their spouse
This doesn’t mean there are not couple in KSA and the rest of the ME who live a true marriage; but when one partner thinks of the other as disposable liability and the other lives in fear of being thought as furniture to be sold, bought, or relegated to an attic- then Marriage and Divorce take on a meaning of the lesser kind. And then separation is for easier said than done and for the other it is a situation that must be maintained for the mere sake of survival. And society via families condones this condition as a way of life- and how dare one break away.
That is not Marriage- that’s Halal Sex with a worded contact and exchange of goods.
April 8, 2009 at 11:01 am
Haithem- it may not seem like a productive postr from a male perspective but it was very interesting from a female perspective to read…….
I think here in Kuwait, things are slightly better. But in the end it depends who you are married to in the first place and how ‘civilised’ they are. I know of a woman ( western convert) married here for 24 years and then the husband up and left her, he took two kids and left her with the third, had the police tail her and even planted drugs on her….shameful.
I shall be adding your blog to my blogroll.
April 9, 2009 at 7:24 am
Maybe it would be better if there was some insight into why people get married. As mentioned, some men see it only as “Halal sex”, while others only see the wife as the carrier of his children.
I did not disagree with the post above, unfortunately it is true, but maybe a broader view of the process that leads to these occurrences. Family pressure to marry (more so on the female, esp. after 25!), the view of Saudi society towards the young single male, the limits imposed on getting to know the other person before marriage, family interference in a couple’s daily life, and others.
These aspects would give a clearer understanding of why suce divorces and unhappy marriages occur.
April 9, 2009 at 8:56 am
For me there are two seperate issues.
1. is the rise of divorce overall and I would suggest that the reasons why couples marry today are no different than the older generations. So it could be the social attitude towards divorce has changed rather the reasons for marrying.
2. the way the courts continually shaft women seeking divorce or being divorce. For me that has nothing at all to do with why people get married and is a larger social issue that can more easily be corrected than trying to change an entire social attitude towards divorce in general. Of course perhaps if men didn’t find it so easy to dispose of a wife, and take children from their mothers, they wouldn’t be so ready to take this recourse.
The rise of divorce in socities is the norm these days. This isn’t unique to Saudi really, although the reasons for divorce may be and the courts who wrong women as a whole is as well.
April 9, 2009 at 11:29 pm
A very interesting point was pointed out to me by someone I don’t like much in this regard. The increased divorce rate in KSA -despite the difficulties of getting a divorce for a woman- reflects the rise of awareness of Saudi women of their own rights and the availability of support and options for them to get a divorce. I think that in itself is a good point, while marriage may not be completely a result of free will or knowledge, the divorce is quite the opposite…
April 10, 2009 at 4:58 am
Traditional reasons for marriage and the traditional ways a marriage is maintained in this day and age can’t be maintain verbatum- your people have changed more men wnd women obtain higher educations which exposes them to ideas and thought processes alien to our ancestors. So the whole concept of marriage needs to be reviewed- keep the good parts; change the parts that no longer work in your society as it chances…societies as much as some would like it are NOT static-there is no permenance.
The courts maintain the same view -what was 100 years ago must be applied now- that just doesn’t make sense because a woman now with an education is treated in the same fashion as the one 100 years ago who had no concept of the world.
What one thinks going into a marriage is what ultimately influences what goes into a divorce.
To fix the courts; one must do a root cause analysis of marriage as an institution; then do the same for the courts. Not the other way around.
April 10, 2009 at 9:18 pm
I think young people are pulled into the romanticism of the ‘Noor’ type soap opera Hollywood myth that as soon as you marry, all your troubles will disappear- all your troubles in the form of parental restrictions……soon married life isn’t as rosy as they thought.She gets to stay home and he gets the diwaniya and the chance to stay out all night if he likes without Mama asking where he has been( it works both ways lol). Here in Kuwait divorce is highest ( I believe ) among the under 25s and lowest (I believe) among the mixed marriages ( Kuwaiti-Western)- now isn’t that funny……:) we are doing something right.
April 11, 2009 at 8:00 am
For a long time it was somewhat similar here in Japan. And while it has not become as common as in the US, it has become pretty much acceptable.
April 12, 2009 at 1:15 pm
A good article on divorce – I disagree with Haitham (comments, above) because I believe Saudi Arabia is going through an intense moral and spiritual crisis where, if things are not aired publicly, will lead to very deep and significant social unrest. It is in Saudi Arabia’s own interest to prevent this kind of social discomfort and the worst possible way of handling this would be to prevent discussion with the hope that this may dissipate the problem. The problems will not go away and not wishing to face them would be the worst possible thing to do. My see my own blog for further discussions.
April 14, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I just found your blog. It is nice! BTW, my Sister in Law is an English teacher in Jeddah.
My wife was divorced in Jeddah back in the early 1990s. Her ex was a pretty bad fellow and even showed up in court high on drugs.
Even when this was obvious the judge still made my wife pay back the dowry and gave him custody of their one year old boy.
Of course, to make things work well and fast my wife’s father had to pay a $10,000 bribe to the judge.
A real sad situation.
April 15, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I`m reading from Mexico, and is really sad to known that this situaction happends around the world for different reasons, in my country, there are so many little towns and even the cities where the marriage problemas are just for woman that suffer the most for some reasons, and seems to be just unfair for us, in you guys country can be even worst because is all about religion and government laws, the power is against the “minority” (that is not) where the kids and women seems to does not have human rights at all. Cultures are different, but nature and humanity is just simple, we all want to be free and create a new and a fair society.
April 20, 2009 at 12:25 am
Haitham – Until women here are treated fairly, humanely, and with dignity, exposing the KSA’s dirty laundry is exactly what needs to be done.
Divorce here totally favors the man and there needs to be a more equal playing ground for women.
SaudiWoman – I love your posts like this – don’t lower your voice – shout it from the rooftops!
April 26, 2009 at 2:31 am
I am writing a report on divorce law in Saudi Arabia and found your blog very enlightening. Are there any resources- preferably academic- that you could direct me towards? Much thanks.
April 26, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Hi H1234
I don’t know of any sure English resources but you could try the King Saud university website.
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